“You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough.” -Mae West
At a restaurant we visited, I saw and read this quote which is almost or all aphoristic depending on who you ask. It’s brilliant especially when people get stuck on what’s right on a soul shattering kind of level. Some questions I often ponder are:
Who are you? Who are you surrounded by? Who are you in a process of becoming / evolving?
What do you do for a life and/or a living? What’s your story? What makes you feel alive?
When did you stop doing what you love? When did you start doing what you love?
Where have you been? Where are you going?
Why?
How are you feeling? How are you thinking?
But always remember no matter the questions and conversations, “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation”. (shout out to Plato!)
Have you ever noticed how a child’s face will come alive when they are doing something they love and enjoy? Even grown ups will light up when they are doing something they love.
People who love what they do and love who they are don’t take vacations from it or from themselves. It lights a fire within sparking up a joy that cannot ever be contained. In life, humans light each other up along the way like lining up dominoes and with one gentle nudge, each domino knocks into the other crashing and cascading down. Or like Pringos, “Once you pop, you can’t stop!” LOL
No one can ever take that purpose away once ignited. It cannot be faked, copied, or even categoried <– made up word. Be you and pass on your light of being. The greatest gift is the gift of oneself. One’s own transformation and change.
Who are you? Who are you becoming?
What are you?
When were you? When are you?
Where were you and where are you?
Why are you?
How are you?
Be and become. The light. The love. The joy. The hiccups. haha
Remember playing when you thought no one was looking? How did you feel? The freedom? The boredom? Making up unique games. The risk-taking. Facing challenges. Realizing that chanting “I think I can” works and just when you thought you couldn’t, you did it!
That’s what happens when we get out of the way of our children. In fact, we get out of the way of our own selves, too. Let them live and enjoy childhood. Let us enjoy, too! Life. Life is for living not dying. Living the adventures of it all and perhaps, that will carry us all forward into their grown up years and our grown up years continued.
Instead of asking: “What’s wrong with him or her?” Ask, “What happened to him or her?” This will help you guide and have a better relationship with the children and grown ups in your life.
In a society that is in a rush to label, diagnose fix and break, be the exact opposite, be the one who slows down to notice, show compassion and listen. Just be there through the tears, through the ups and the downs. Notice and be present. Love.
We are society and we can in fact, choose love, consistency and conversations where we listen more and talk less. Slow down, listen to what children are showing and sharing. You will find out exactly what they need, don’t need and in return what you need and what you don’t need.
Slow down. Turtles have a lot to teach us in this way. Not the ninja turtles but the ones who hold up traffic as they cross the street. Taking their time. One turtle paw at a time. One paw in front of the other. There are times to be a cheetah and there are times to be a turtle. Choose wisely.
Let’s talk. Wealth. Rich and Poor. While we teach our children to value what is inside of themselves: the who of what they are. Their being. Their essence. Others from outside will influence them or try to belittle them or what they care about at times, without even knowing it themselves. It tugs at their heart and their soul. Ours, too, just a little bit until we get the jolt back into what matters most. People. Relationships. Experiences. Memories. Time. Talent. Treasure.
Our son asked, “Hey mom, is my jacket expensive?” Quite frankly, it doesn’t even matter. These things, no matter the cost won’t matter in the next five minutes or even in the next five years. If it won’t matter in the next minutes, months or even years: who cares. It’s not the jacket but the memories we make in it that truly matter. While most of society will try to convince you that your worth is determined by what you have on, in real real reality, it doesn’t. What your life depends on is who you are, who you surround yourself with and what you care about. So, take care of yourself, others and your surroundings/your space then it ripples outward and onward changing lives for the better.
So, how much does your life cost? How much value and worth? Are you living poor in mindset? Have the courage to change it before it’s far too late. Don’t live for a too die for house. Don’t live for a too die for car.
Live for a too die for life.
Collect memories. Not things. Collect the times. Spend time well. Treasure it. We all have time, talent and treasure. It is how you define it. No one else. Love life. Live it well. Make it a life well spent. Spend life well. The currency is always strong when passionately and poetically lived.
“One can only travel the long way into the heart of another: the slow work of finding common ground, the careful discernment of grounds of admiration, the disciplines of kindness, encouragement, silence, and restraint. It takes a deliberate choice, renewed regularly, to love every human being one encounters.” (Zena Hitz)
If it’s worth it, it will not be easy… something like that Bob Marley said. A monk was also quoted previously in response to this question:
“What’s the hardest part about being a monk?” He said, “Other monks”.
What’s the hardest part about life and love?
Other people.
Isn’t that funny? Other people. We do not have control. We have control only over oneself. Only of ourselves and how we respond or how we do not respond to others.
They say the highest form of flattery is gossip. If you find yourself trembling off the lips of another it’s truly none of your business. Monks do not talk much as it’s well known. There is a reason for that. Self-discipline and restraint. Choose not to judge and just respect the journey we are all walking.
Loving, guiding, whispering, petals of a flower as delicate as the work of our hands whether they are rough or smooth. Show your hands and it will show me your work.
Follow the palmar flexion creases on your hands. Your hands are your life’s and love’s work.
What you choose to do with your hands is your life’s work.
If you wreak havoc and chaos. If you choose to hit and harm, it is never, ever forgotten and permanently stored somehow, someway into the deep recesses of one’s mind. Memories are stored deep and remembered. Never forgotten. We all are patients of our own memories. Choose to love and be gentle even if someone sees it as a weakness. Because, in fact, it is strength. Gentleness is strength. If someone hurt you, you forgive them but move on. You do not have to forget. Lessons are in it. You learn what not to accept. You learn what not to do. You learn the lessons life dishes out and deals. You remember, forgive and you move on. Let it move you to dance. To sing. To read. To draw. To write. To paint. To act. To create.Scream love.
…remember while it’s a long way into someone else heart, it’s also a long way into your own heart. It is a deliberate choice to love yourself just the way you are.
Imagine you and your family are out at a pool. Your child is having a blast to the point his fingers are wrinkled from the water. The sun is shining and sunscreen was a cinch to apply because the spray kind was created. You’ve all been out in the sun for about two hours. You make the call to head home. Your child says, “Five more minutes, pleeeeease”. You say, “Ok”. Five minutes pass and you say alright let’s go but he wants to negotiate another five. You say no it’s time to go. You see water on his face that is not from the pool but his tears. He starts crying that he wants to stay. He runs away, yelling he doesn’t want to leave and throws himself on the grass. You carry him to the car feeling defeated and deflated.
Everything pretty much a toddler and preschooler does is developmentally appropriate including many of the following challenging behaviors:
Ignoring you
Yelling
Throwing food, etc.
Spitting
Not Sharing
Tantruming
Not “sitting still”
Not “listening”
Hitting
Biting
This happens as children grow and learn about this brand new world. While we’ve been here for decades, they have been here for a few years. They don’t have the plethora of experiences that we have. Think about that. Our brain is fully developed while their brain is still growing. What they do and how they act during this time is not a reflection of who you are as a parent. They are not “bad”. Neither are you as a parent “bad” at parenting.
In those moments, they need you more than ever to be still with them. Give yourself and your child space as they navigate big feelings. It’s hard to label how upset they are that they have to leave. When it gets calm be present with them and re-enact the scenario and what would be done differently next time. Label what you saw and validate feelings including your own. Give reasons why. Keep it simple, direct and clear. Keep calm and carry on.
Next time you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown or tantrum with your children: give space, follow through on what you said, be there when they are ready to talk, label what you saw and use it as a teachable moment for what to do differently next time. Hug them, tell them you love them but not the behavior. Give yourself grace as their parent. You got this.
Ps. Need more tips: here is a helpful article featured on Understood
“If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl.” — MLK
If you can’t crawl, roll. If you can’t roll then get that tummy time in. This is the story of the stages of development and how children need caring grown ups to nurture our babies so they grow into their fullest potential. This is what to expect when you’re expecting. This is how we care for and nurture children after their basic needs of nutrition, toileting and shelter have been met. Early childhood development is impacted heavily by the mental health of the people who care for them even while they are in the womb. Care is solely based on three actions caring grown ups give: love, safety and consistency. During the early years of life, the brain is constantly and consistently growing and care should coincide with that growth. Grown ups have a mission to foster security, love and safety starting at birth which leads to toddlers establishing a strong sense of self and self-worth. Children not only want safety, love and consistency but they also need it.
Being able to build and sustain healthy relationships to consistently meet children where they are in order to secure a healthy attachment depends on the wholeness of the grown up who is caring for children. Are those who are caring for children well and healthy? A great question for grown ups to ask themselves is: “How am I feeling?” “What can I do about?”
In reality, a “healthy head start” is not always an option for babies. This is where early intervention comes in as a plan b if the family unit is broken. Early intervention such as head start, home cares and preschool improves the outlook and success of children growing into healthy and thriving adults. Caring grown ups help build a strong foundation also known as the brain. It also aids in breaking a family generational cycle of poverty. Need support?
Here are some resources and ways to support infants and toddlers in the first three years of life:
From the Playground 