therapy

children, earlyed, education, family, life, love, moments, relationships, self-help, soul, therapy

The Gaslight is On

Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

While navigating life and growing: let’s be mindful and very cognizant of gaslighting phrases to recognize and heal from and through. Learn to recognize what and who is real. This is how we become. When you hear or have heard the following “gaslight” statements may it illuminate a “gaslight” and serve as a red flag to drive away, establish distance and fill your tank with what’s real. Here are those following “gaslights”.

That never happened. You remember that? I don’t remember that. That’s not how it happened. Then they spin it, flip it, manipulate it to fit themselves and it is truly incredulous. This makes you question your own very reality and memories. TRUST yourself. Your instincts and your memories. Denial and suppression could drive everyone mad. Don’t let it happen to you. Keep your voice even if it’s a whisper. For real! Truth always comes to light and when it does, trust the process and heal through the hurt.

You’re being too sensitive. Stop crying. Do you want me to give you something to cry for? When they dismiss your feelings or when you’re crying or even upset/mad, it’s a way to invalidate your emotions. Your feelings are are valid. Feel your feelings. Do not suppress. Remember that.

After all I’ve/we’ve done for you. This is such a classic and timeless guilt tripping tactic wrapped with a bow as gratitude and how you should feel so grateful. Remember this: You don’t owe anyone. Even further, you don’t owe them your life no matter what they’ve done. Keep your peace. Pay it forward.

No matter what, family comes first. **Only when family is healthy, responsible and mutually respectful. Otherwise, this is toxic and hard to swallow.

    Bonus: not a statement but noticing and learning the sound of silence and distinguish the sounds of footsteps and what they could mean for you, tone of voice / facial expressions and what may be in store for you.

    Lessons learned in the grand scheme of things that some people are broken and fragmented. But you don’t have to make excuses such as “that’s just the way they are”. And, look at you or who you are in a process of becoming, you learned (or are learning) not to make excuses for them or yourself.

    Resilient, thankful, nonetheless for the life lessons learned along the way. Like forgiveness and letting go. And, in distance well disguised as boundaries when noticing / recognizing when a “gaslight” comes on.

    All the lessons well learned. Heal. The only thing worth screaming is love, anyway. So love. Live. Peace. Light. Turn off the gas and turn the real light on. Light will always overpower darkness. Fill your bucket with truth and light, never emptying or giving away what’s real. What’s inside.

    books, childhood, children, death, Holidays, life, love, relationships, soul, therapy

    ‘Tis the Season and ‘Tis the Holidays (re-post)

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    The most wonderful time of the year. But is it? I am feeling tension and unlike myself lately. I am missing loved ones who have passed. 105 people die every minute. Nearly 2 every second. Life is precious. So, so very precious.

    When it comes to my feelings, I chalked some of it up to the full moon and it’s power of making waves. In fact, there has been a cataclysm of events making waves. Globally, countries are struggling with leadership and death.

    Lately, I have been hanging on to hope and resiliency. I stare at a photo of 6 year old Ruby Bridges who endured and triumphed standing as a metaphor and reminder that “what doesn’t kill you does in fact make you stronger”.  At 6, Ruby Bridges showed a courage that resonates today. I had the opportunity of listening to Ruby Bridges speak in 2015 at the annual NAEYC conference. The kind of courage and poise she personifies and how it connects with us, children, families and educators.

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    Holidays are hard for many. For a lot of my own life, holidays were often off for me and awkward. There are empty chairs of those we miss and love. You feel the infinite loss and ache of missing loved ones. It is easier to send a gift and/or photo of smiling faces saying Happy Holidays. It is the thought that counts but what do we do for those who feel alone? How do we help others cope during grief or a sense of loss? What gifts can you give to the broken-hearted?

    Here are gifts to give:

    • Gift of Memory: Take a moment to remember and honor the memory of a loved one by a hug, card or phone call. Although there is an empty chair at the table fill it with memories and honor their memory.
    • Gift of hope: We experience both sadness and joy. It’s deeply triggered by the holidays. Show up and offer to help those you care about. From the daily routines to collaging and scrap booking memories.
    • Gift of Love: Be in the moment with those who are still living. Show them you love them. If you are the one feeling sad tell them it is hard but stay hopeful.
    • Gift of friendship: Invite and include those who feel sad even if they may cancel or decline from shopping to having dinner.
    • Gift of Surprise and Spontaneity: Encourage doing something unusual such as a road trip or a flight to visit loved ones still here. Follow through.
    • Give the gift of time: Its about time well spent with those you love so spend it wisely. Spend some time whether over coffee, a movie, a stop by visit or something special to do together
    • Give the gift of food for the soul whether baked goods or a home cooked meal to enjoy together
    • The gift of listening: remember, it’s not not knowing what to say but listening and being there.

    Looking for more gift ideas? Visit Sympathy Solutions at:

    http://www.sympathysolutions.com/current-newsletter/10-things-you-can-do-for-someone-lost-loved-lone.html

    Most of all, ensure to reach out, don’t expect someone who feels alone to reach out to you.

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    books, childhood, children, culture, DAP, daycare, Ece, education, education, earlyed, behavior, development, children, family, help, family, life, love, moments, neuroscience, parenting, play, relationships, self-help, signs, soul, therapy, Uncategorized

    No Such thing as a Bad Kid…Remember that!

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    Instead of asking: “What’s wrong with him or her?” Ask, “What happened to him or her?” This will help you guide and have a better relationship with the children and grown ups in your life.

    In a society that is in a rush to label, diagnose fix and break, be the exact opposite, be the one who slows down to notice, show compassion and listen. Just be there through the tears, through the ups and the downs. Notice and be present. Love.

    We are society and we can in fact, choose love, consistency and conversations where we listen more and talk less. Slow down, listen to what children are showing and sharing. You will find out exactly what they need, don’t need and in return what you need and what you don’t need.

    Slow down. Turtles have a lot to teach us in this way. Not the ninja turtles but the ones who hold up traffic as they cross the street. Taking their time. One turtle paw at a time. One paw in front of the other. There are times to be a cheetah and there are times to be a turtle. Choose wisely.

    art, children, culture, family, life, lifepurpose, love, parenting, relationships, self-help, soul, therapy

    Is my Jacket Expensive?

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    Let’s talk. Wealth. Rich and Poor. While we teach our children to value what is inside of themselves: the who of what they are. Their being. Their essence. Others from outside will influence them or try to belittle them or what they care about at times, without even knowing it themselves. It tugs at their heart and their soul. Ours, too, just a little bit until we get the jolt back into what matters most. People. Relationships. Experiences. Memories. Time. Talent. Treasure.

    Our son asked, “Hey mom, is my jacket expensive?” Quite frankly, it doesn’t even matter. These things, no matter the cost won’t matter in the next five minutes or even in the next five years. If it won’t matter in the next minutes, months or even years: who cares. It’s not the jacket but the memories we make in it that truly matter. While most of society will try to convince you that your worth is determined by what you have on, in real real reality, it doesn’t. What your life depends on is who you are, who you surround yourself with and what you care about. So, take care of yourself, others and your surroundings/your space then it ripples outward and onward changing lives for the better.

    So, how much does your life cost? How much value and worth? Are you living poor in mindset? Have the courage to change it before it’s far too late. Don’t live for a too die for house. Don’t live for a too die for car.

    Live for a too die for life.

    Collect memories. Not things. Collect the times. Spend time well. Treasure it. We all have time, talent and treasure. It is how you define it. No one else. Love life. Live it well. Make it a life well spent. Spend life well. The currency is always strong when passionately and poetically lived.

    art, books, death, family, libraries, love, parenting, relationships, self-help, signs, soul, therapy

    The Power of Love and Healing (Deep Work=Deep Breaths)

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    Photo by KawaiiArt1980 on Pexels.com

    “One can only travel the long way into the heart of another: the slow work of finding common ground, the careful discernment of grounds of admiration, the disciplines of kindness, encouragement, silence, and restraint. It takes a deliberate choice, renewed regularly, to love every human being one encounters.” (Zena Hitz)

    If it’s worth it, it will not be easy… something like that Bob Marley said. A monk was also quoted previously in response to this question:

    “What’s the hardest part about being a monk?” He said, “Other monks”.

    What’s the hardest part about life and love?

    Other people.

    Isn’t that funny? Other people. We do not have control. We have control only over oneself. Only of ourselves and how we respond or how we do not respond to others.

    They say the highest form of flattery is gossip. If you find yourself trembling off the lips of another it’s truly none of your business. Monks do not talk much as it’s well known. There is a reason for that. Self-discipline and restraint. Choose not to judge and just respect the journey we are all walking.

    Loving, guiding, whispering, petals of a flower as delicate as the work of our hands whether they are rough or smooth. Show your hands and it will show me your work.

    Follow the palmar flexion creases on your hands. Your hands are your life’s and love’s work.

    What you choose to do with your hands is your life’s work.

    If you wreak havoc and chaos. If you choose to hit and harm, it is never, ever forgotten and permanently stored somehow, someway into the deep recesses of one’s mind. Memories are stored deep and remembered. Never forgotten. We all are patients of our own memories. Choose to love and be gentle even if someone sees it as a weakness. Because, in fact, it is strength. Gentleness is strength. If someone hurt you, you forgive them but move on. You do not have to forget. Lessons are in it. You learn what not to accept. You learn what not to do. You learn the lessons life dishes out and deals. You remember, forgive and you move on. Let it move you to dance. To sing. To read. To draw. To write. To paint. To act. To create. Scream love.

    The [Heart, Mind, Brain and…] Body Keeps the Score always. A must read book is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D., found here: https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

    …remember while it’s a long way into someone else heart, it’s also a long way into your own heart. It is a deliberate choice to love yourself just the way you are.

    books, childhood, children, family, Language, life, love, parenting, parenting, play, relationships, self-help, therapy, Uncategorized

    26

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

    In the words of someone I love. ” Love you to the end of the alphabet... [and beyond it] “. Here are the abcs filled with love, light and affirmations. Cheers to speaking life and love over each other and our children.

    A for amazing and astounding.

    B for brave, bold and beautiful.

    C for courageous, considerate, compassionate and caring.

    D for determined and dedicated.

    E for evolving and energetic.

    F for fabulous and fun!

    G for giving and getting.

    H for healing and health.

    I for intelligent, inspiring and insightful.

    J for joyful and jazzy.

    K for knightly and kind.

    L for loving and learning.

    M for masterpiece and magnificent.

    N for neat, nice, natural and neverending!

    O for observant and ongoing.

    P for precious, persevering and playful.

    Q for quissential, quaint and quirky!

    R for resilient, respectful and ready for life!

    S for special and sweet.

    T for talented, timeless, thoughtful, tactful and tenacious.

    U for ubiquitous, unique, unconditional, unbeatable, ultimate and unabashed!

    V for valorous, valuable, venerable, vast, versatile and valiant.

    W for wise and wonderful.

    X for xenial and xylographic.

    Y for yogi, yielding, yaring and youthful.

    Z for zingy, zestful, zany and zen.

    Next time, sing with me!

    Ps. Love you, all 26 letters!

    art, childhood, education, earlyed, behavior, development, children, family, help, life, lifepurpose, moments, self-help, therapy

    You’ll Get it as You Go

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    “You’ll get it as you go.” said the nurse as we waited in the hospital.  

    Wanting to run to the store for her.

    She said, “Don’t worry, you’ll get it as you go.”

    We made the list to run to the store…

    Diapers. 

    Bottles.

    Wipes.

    Formula. 

    Onesies.

    Pacifiers.

    Things only later that we discovered we could get as we go. We’ll never have enough…especially time.

    But we get it as we go. Time. Light. Life. Love. Precious moments.

    The precious moments. There are miracles in them. Our life is not just meant for us, it’s meant for others who need us more. 

    Photo by willsantt on Pexels.com
    childhood, children, DAP, daycare, earlyed, Ece, education, education, earlyed, behavior, development, children, family, help, family, self-help, therapy

    A Bad Child? No Such Thing. Busting the Myth of the Bad Child.

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    You’re in the store. You hear, “Mommy, I want that.” You peer down to see your child pointing to a brightly colored stuffed elephant that you know he has more than you can count at home. You whisper, “No, not right now you have some at home.” He urges, begs and pleads. You don’t cave in. You stand your ground. Then to your surprise (or perhaps, not to your surprise) as it’s been boiling you see your 3 year old start to cry. He may scream. He may even throw himself to the floor. 

    You as the grown up can’t run or hide. What do you do?

    During childhood, young children are experiencing a vast array of emotions: big and small, discovering new places and self as they change and grow. As they take in the brand new world around them, they could get easily frustrated especially when they are not able to fully say how they feel or fully articulate their needs. As a result, a child may show this exasperation and big emotions through what grown ups see as challenging behaviors not a bad child but a challenge. Even adults could reach a point or limit of not being able to self-regulate. Imagine how children feel as everything is brand new especially as they grow into themselves.

    According to NAEYC, challenging behaviors often emerge in the second year of life. Why? Toddlers are unable to fully label how they are feeling as well as their needs as they are still developing language skills. So, a child will use nonverbal possibly biting or verbal: crying to get their needs met. 

    Here are some research backed strategies to guide children to more positive outcomes that may prevent leaving the store in gallons of tears and energy. 

    • Avoid common triggers or situations that cause challenging behavior: Prepare in advance for activities or store trips. Observation is key here. If you know when you go to the store, he will see a fluffy bright elephant that he will beg for, and prepare one he already has to take with him. Bonus: let him choose which one he wants to take. In the moment at the store: it may not be the “want” of the toy but the “want” of a comforting item that seeing that bright elephant reminds him of.  Identifying patterns in timing, routine, anticipated outcomes or root causes of challenging behaviors can help families better support their child. 
    • Establish predictable and consistent routines and behaviors: Children and grown ups thrive in predictable and consistent routines. It feels safe to know what is coming next. Model kindness and empathy with others and yourself. Your child will notice and show the same. Model how to take care of others, the environment and the self. Keep a consistent and predictable schedule. Have cereal together. Breathe and meditate together. Show and share a calm, supportive, consistent and loving environment.  If ever upset, model that you will need a moment to calm down, breathe and return when ready. Children learn by what they observe and experience. If you curse, your child will. If you’re calm, your child will be. Families are successful by being consistent through predictable routines, setting limits and modeling care and compassion through smiles, intentional verbal, nonverbal praise and action. 
    • Notice and talk about positive actions during the day: Every day is a fresh and new day to get it right or learn from mistakes. Families have the potential to promote positive behaviors throughout the day, not just when challenging behaviors emerge. Catch children’s positive actions and comment on them. Notice other people’s actions too and comment out loud in front of your child about them. For example, wow without Kelly, our mailperson we would never get postcards from Grandma or when at a restaurant, comment on the service. For example, our waiter is so kind and without him we would not be able to order food. Notice and comment on the helpers of our world. Without each and every person’s kindness, we would have a mean and disturbed kind of world.  

    Hopefully, these tips help so that next time you find yourself somewhere such as a store, it goes more smoothly and there are no screams or tantrums. Screaming love instead of frustration. Here’s to pinpointing and solving those challenging behaviors. Cheers! Remember, you got this!

    lifepurpose, self-help, soul, therapy

    What is Your Joy?

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    Recently, I was inspired by a reading from Plough‘s Daily Dig. An excerpt is below and it’s by Kahlil Gibran, a favorite author of mine who wrote The Prophet. In it Kahlil Gibran ponders joy.

    Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.…When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. Source: The Prophet

    Photo by Bekka Mongeau on Pexels.com

    What gives you pain gives you joy. I felt like I just caught joy holding hands with pain and it sunk in the pit of my stomach. Imagine you love running really fast, tripping and falling. The running culminated into an eventual trip and fall. However, you don’t stop running because it brings you joy…and sorrow.

    Lemons to Lemonade.

    Failing. Falling. Rising. People say failure is not an option but in fact, it is. Failure holds hands with success. We fall, we rise. The sun sets and rises.

    We live, we die.

    We laugh, we cry.

    We hurt, we heal.

    Life is ugly. Life is beautiful. So what is it? What is your joy? Choose wisely.

    Ps. A poem / Almonds and Joy Just Because

    Here are some almonds and joy, just because.

    They said it is a stork bite.

    Where her birthmark is behind her neck.

    I smiled.

    Tears rolling down like mounds of almonds.

    Rolling them up and down a hill like Sisyphus with his rock.

    What do I do with this sorrow, this pain, this grief, this hurt, all of this?

    Bundle it up in a pretty blue and white wrapper.

    Swaddle it up.

    A bundle of joy. Almond Joy.

    She is as tiny as one.

    culture, death, dreams, family, life, lifepurpose, moments, self-help, signs, soul, therapy, Uncategorized

    Signs Everywhere, Everywhere Signs

    Gallery | Posted on by Jill Telford

    Hubble Serves Up a Holiday Snow Angel by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

    A cardinal flies by. Bright ruby red. Butterflies and hummingbirds dance across the sky right before my eyes. Morning doves sing. A quarter on the ground dated 1986. Changed by so many hands. Possibly fell off of an angel’s wings in the path I was meant to stumble upon it. I stand and walk among giants as none of us is as small as we think we are. A paradox of our times. Looking out a plane window, you would think and see just how small and potentially insignificant we really aren’t. Nothing is as it seems. Littles things are big things. Just watch and study ants at work.

    Looking out a plane window, you would think and see just how small and potentially insignificant we really aren’t. Nothing is as it seems. Littles things are big things. Just watch and study ants at work.

    Life all around us and beyond us. Beautiful, daring and fleeting life. Life in a single blade of grass life. Life in a single fingerprint life. Life in a single sip of coffee life. Life lies even in a pesky and stubborn weed in the garden that keeps reemerging life. It hurts to tug it out of the ground. Everything wants to live. We want to live another day. Another minute.

    We emerge no matter the challenge or obstacle in the words of Tupac Shakur even from concrete. We breakthrough like the stars emerging from stardust life that we innately are. Where do we go after life? That question follows me each and everywhere I turn. Where do we go? Will we see each other again?

    Life is found in a single minute. One single minute matters more than you think. I stare at the sky throughout the day just to stare at it no need to have a reason. The stars. The constellations. Connecting the dots to what all of this really means. We’re all deeply connected like an infinite constellation more than anyone could possibly ever realize or conceptualize.