When its Time to Fly Away From the Nest: On Raising Independent Children

Posted by Jill Telford and Berna Artis

How are you raising your child? What is important to you? If you don’t have any yet what first materializes in your mind when you think of how to raise a child? We almost always think about safety, health, well-being, education, success, opportunities children will have to be well-rounded. We want them to ultimately be a good person.

What about independence?

One of the most important things in life is to be self-reliant. Children who are independent and rely on themselves grow to be more successful and happier. Of course, during the early years they are highly dependent on parents and other adults in their life including teachers. From feeding, diaper changing, dressing to reading, doing homework and taking them to basketball games or ballet lessons.

Then something happens when you least expect it. Like, clockwork. They reach a magical age when they are a bit more independent. This is the warm up time for adulthood. They make choices, they don’t cuddle with you that much, they ask you to drop them off a little further away from the school gate. They are capable of doing some chores, being in before the streetlights come on and you feel that they need you less.

Different types of parents raise different types of children. Seems like a no brainer right?

If you are a controlling parent and you do not give your child the opportunity to take responsibility, to do chores, to share his or her thoughts, to make choices and decisions, chances are you are disabling your child. In fact, these types of children grow to be adults with the potential at making poor decisions, blaming everyone else for their mistakes and in need of reassurance in order to feel happy and gratified.

On the other hand, parents who respect children’s wishes, seek their feedback, ask what their thoughts are helping children grow to be happy, responsible, self starters, capable and competent in taking care of their needs. This is a collaborative and positive relationship rather than controlling. As always, it is paramount to have a well-balanced style.

Here are some ways to raise independent children:

  • Provide guidance instead of telling them what to do
  • Give options instead of making the choice for them
  • Listen more
  • Show affection and love
  • Show empathy
  • Catch them doing good and reward for big accomplishments, not for every little thing.
  • Provide encouragement
  • Give them responsibilities and hold them accountable
  • Appreciate and acknowledge their efforts and verbalize it
  • Never make fun of their shortcomings and or mistakes
  • Set limits and clear expectations
  • Understand that they will make mistakes
  • Help them enjoy their success and admit their mistakes
  • Let them know that you are there to provide safety but eventually they need to fly away from the nest to explore the bigger world and test limits

 

 

We Need Help! Understanding Mistaken Behaviors to Help Children

Posted by Jill Telford and Berna Artis

Tell me and I will forget.  Teach me and I may remember. Show me and I learn.

-Benjamin Franklin

Often times, adults forget that they were once children. We all forget something sometimes. When grown ups listen and are present in the moment with children, children teach us how to be one again. Children notice when we are present in the moment and are intuitive of who we are and will act accordingly. Grown ups often set high expectations for children that are unachievable, unrealistic and age inappropriate. How many times do we hear an adult judging a child’s behavior without having all of the facts and details? Most of all, hearing an adult labeling a child without trying to really know or understand the child or his/her family. Most of us hear and experience bad days our children and students’ have. It hurts to see a child being labeled without an understanding or an attempt at understanding his or her challenging behavior. When we are attuned, we pay attention to the facts and details. Some of them are:

  • Child’s age
  • How they learn
  • Who they are
  • What interests them (what do they care about?)
  • Type of family or household he or she comes from
  • Limitations and other special situations of the child
  • Temperament
  • Capacity
  • Ability
  • Cultural differences

When we envision the world we want peace and happiness. This is unrealistic. This is the same for a classroom of preschoolers! We are human. Our classrooms are filled with humans. Humans are filled with feelings, thoughts, ideas and emotions. We are all so very different and are all in a process of becoming during childhood and even throughout adulthood. Remember this when a child spills something, “talks back”, makes a mess or cannot control his or her emotions. Do we want statues and followers? Or do we want leaders, movers and shakers?

In the Little Prince, the narrator has a hard time comprehending grown-ups in the same way I believe grown-ups have a hard time understanding children. A huge lesson and quote from this story is how “Grown ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask: What does his voice sound like? What games does he like best? Does he collect butterflies? They ask: How old is he? How many brothers does he have? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make? Only then do they think they know him.” The lesson is ultimately summed up by “Children should be very understanding of grown ups.” Likewise, grown ups should be understanding of children (and this can count towards each other as well). Understanding, connection and building a strong reciprocal, caring relationship is key without judgment or labels.

littleprince

However, adults can be quick at judging and labeling the behavior and child; as hyperactive, aggressive, slow, incapable, apathetic, troublemaker, bad, disrespectful…the list is long and goes on and on. While these labels are extremely hurtful to the child and his or her family, it is also damaging to his or her self-esteem, personal growth and sense of self worth. In reality, they are children who lack experience in that particular area, they do not know the difference between right and wrong therefore they make mistakes and false judgments. Nine out of ten children do not know any better. Children are learning and in a process of becoming. They are not motivated and challenged enough. Especially when they are labeled, constantly told that they can’t do something coupled with consequences right away. 

Like any other human being, children want to be a part of a group. They want and need the sense of belonging. They want to be understood. They want to impress others especially the ones in their immediate circle such as family members, friends and teachers. They want attention and a lot of it! They develop skills and behaviors according to their social relationships. Sometimes, they act like a super hero because it is cool to save the world, fly or to destroy the enemy. How about a child who is coping with a family member’s death, his dad’s violence at home, or being bullied? How about a child who does not get enough sleep because parents work long hours and it is late by the time they go home to eat and do homework? Imagine what can happen when a child lacks experience to deal with frustration, fear, and inability to identify and or control feelings.  Imagine a grown up in your life whom lacks coping skills as well. Children grow into grown ups.

Often, adults misunderstand these challenging interactions and behaviors. At times they are not understood at all. In the end, the child is punished in the learning and developmental stages. Rules and setting limits are necessary but a constant power approach is not. What can we as adults do to understand each child, let it be in our homes, in a classroom or a school? Patience, understanding, compassion and guidance are four significant constructive corner stones of forming a relationship with a child. It is trying different ways to reach him or her where he or she is. Then guiding children where they are going. Giving opportunity and support to children is crucial in developing their self-esteem, self confidence, love of learning, respect for others, courage, resiliency, creativity, empathy, sympathy and trust.

Any time families, educators or communities are faced with challenging and mistaken behavior rise up to the challenge, show compassion, care and let’s ask questions to understand. Questions we can ask are: where is Johnny from? Who is Johnny? What does Johnny like to do? When did Johnny start this challenging behavior? Why is Johnny doing this? What are we going to do about it? For some, a simple answer is to reprimand leading up to removing the problem. That’s the easy way out. However, if we work hard at understanding, connecting with, helping, supporting and reaching Johnny then we can change his whole trajectory. If we teach him to solve his problems as opposed to running away he will become one powerful man. When we are there for the good times and the bad times then we pass that kind of thing on to Johnny and then Johnny passes that kind of thing on to someone else. Frederick Douglas has said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Often we hear: “My son’s/daughter’s teacher said they were disruptive and misbehaving” leading to a consequence. “I have to go in for a meeting with his/her teachers”.   When do we hear: “My son’s/daughter’s teacher said they created something incredible and were proud of it” or “You know he/she is quite the conversationalist! Let’s set up a meeting to talk about it!”

When a child acts out, those disruptions and misbehaviors are really mistaken and challenging behaviors. There is often and always a reason a child is doing something. Even as adults we can relate to when we are not ourselves or we need help. Let’s help our children who are still learning how to ask for help. Next time you see a child’s mistaken behavior know it is his or her way of saying “I need your help!” Let’s work together to advocate, understand and help our children. Then they will understand themselves. When we do this we are helping our world be a little better off than it once was.

love

 

 

Top 10 Ways to be Remembered as the Worst Educator of All Time.

Posted by Jill Telford and Berna Artis

We all remember the best and worst teachers in our lifetime. While teaching is a profound calling for some, others fall into it as a 9-5 job, not a calling. Here are the top 10 ways to be remembered as the worst teacher of all time. Before going any further… if you are stumbling down the road of becoming a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad teacher as Alexander’s day is described in the beloved story Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day now turned into a family comedic film, please check yourself, breathe and remember why you’re here in the first place. Teaching is not easy and not for the faint of heart: it demands tough, courageous and dedicated individuals and if you can’t handle the heat well, get out of the kitchen. While we all know what to do in terms of developmentally appropriate practice and forming strong relationships with children and families, here’s a list of what not to do as a teacher.

  1. Sitting down all of the time and being detached: ignoring students and being apathetic.    Why teach if you have no enthusiasm, interest or even concern? Students’ will pick up on this and will not want to be there either. You should be up and moving about helping, supporting, learning and teaching. Your job…is that. If you’re modeling apathy then we’re in trouble. Your students are doomed. Be present in the moments…so many of them are teachable ones.
  1. Always on computer, cell phone, reading something unrelated to the lesson. I know and realize we are in a technological age but what I cannot wrap my mind around is doing this inside of a classroom and/or while teaching. Sure, technology is awesome. However, always on a phone or computer while inside your classroom screams that a. something or someone outside of the classroom is more important than who is inside of it: b. your students.
  1. Often has tantrums, is dramatic and loses it over small issues. No one is perfect but if everyday you have an issue then there is a problem not with your surroundings but in fact, you. You must have a reality check. Ok, life is not sunshine and rainbows 24/7 BUT if you can’t learn to manage a few raindrops then you need help. If you are losing your cool and calm mostly everyday then you need to figure it out, seek help and learn how to cope. How are you to help your students keep calm, cool and be collected if you’re exploding and tripping out about every little detail? Take a lesson from the book I Was So Mad by Mercer Meyer. That little critter was frustrated but figured it out.
  1. Complains, gossips and spreads rumors about colleagues, administration, families and children. Why and for what? Misery loves company for sure but if you are a true teacher then you don’t judge and wreak havoc and wreck relationships but build them. Communication in Latin means to come together. If you’re communication is not a coming together and building relationships then you should not be saying it. Reflect and work on how to work and play well with others. No one likes a complainer. If you don’t like something try to fix it and make it better…offer solutions.
  1. Teaches using only one strategy. Every student learns differently and needs a differentiated approach. You will not connect with children on an individual level if you 1. Don’t know who they are and 2. Have unrealistic expectations of him or her. In our current education world we can CHOOSE how and what approach to reach each and every child. I know and recognize it is hard work but it pays off. Connecting, caring and helping are at the heart of teaching and human existence. If your kid wants to write about it let them write about it, if your kid wants to dance about it let them dance about it, if your kid wants to draw/paint it out let them do it, if they want to sing it let them do it, if they want to talk about it let them do it, if they want to listen let them listen, if they want to whisper let them, if they want to act it out let them do it, if they want to test it out let them do it and so much more. Give them the freedom to do this. They will remember, appreciate and do that thing you let them do forever. And, most of all they will be good at it.
  1. Acknowledges “good” and “bad” behavior. Why? When we are all good and bad. That is to be human. When we label good versus bad that is pitting children against one another. We all have good and bad in us. Read stories capturing people who have both of these traits. Teach children what it is to be human. Teach that it is ok to make mistakes but to learn from them. Teach kindness and forgiveness. Believe that every child and family is good but makes mistakes. Encourage children to take risks and be courageous.
  1. Teaching the same material every year in the same way. Every year we get a different diverse group of students. Why teach the same subjects using the same ways as the prior year. Growth is about being in a process of constant change and renewal. When we teach the same way every year then we become stagnant like a still pond of stagnant water. No one likes stagnant water unless you’re a fly, mosquito or some other kind of insect.
  1. Doesn’t show up on time or is inconsistent. If you are sick a lot. If you show up late with coffee in your hands and your cellphone…you are making a bold statement. You are basically saying you don’t care. Work at a coffee shop since you’re willing to be late on behalf of one. Coffee is awesome, we love coffee but coming in late because of it is not. Some teachers need coffee…but plan time accordingly so you make it to class on time. You are an example…set a good one, please. 
  1. Lacks compassion and does not understand human psychology. One of the most important corner stones of education is building relationships and connecting with children. Let it be a young child or a teenager, every student wants to be understood and heard. Each student is unique; therefore, requires a different approach. Understanding and connecting, means showing regard and trying to reach and help that child where he or she is. There is always a reason behind every behavior. A teacher’s job is to understand and tailor his or her approach accordingly. Is their something upsetting happening in the child’s home? Maybe there is tension or fights in the house? Is the child feeling left out or being bullied? Teachers should not use the same discipline method or guidance for every child as each child is different and requires a different approach. 
  1. Does not respect students. Just because children are not adults does not mean teachers should roll over them. It does not mean teachers will disregard the idea or the need of the children nor does it mean they will make fun of children. As young as infants, children need and deserve respect. It is important to show them they are worthy, valued and important. Lack of regard will harm a child’s self esteem and self respect. Children should be treated with kindness, respect and with the same kind of manners you ask of them. Treat others how you want to be treated. Model it yourself.
  1. Bonus* Being dismissive and knows what is best. When a family raises a concern, wants to have a conversation about their kid and you dismiss it and act like you know it all. This is not ok. A child is made strong through strong partnerships and relationships between families and teachers. Families want what is best and is a child’s first teachers in the first place…remember that. Establishing open two way communication is key in providing the best support for children. Do not pass judgment…seek first to understand than being understood. Show compassion, care and concern for your student and his or her family. This is how you build a strong foundation.

The preceding ten +bonus ways will definitely make you a memorable worst teacher in someone’s lifetime. Work at these and you will be regarded as the worst educator of all time brought up over dinners, lunches and over drinks with phrases such as “I really could not stand _______”, “That was the worst year of my childhood life”, “Thank goodness, its over”, “Oh man, you had him/her too?!”, “She/He was horrible”, “I hated______”, “She/He couldn’t teach!” and written down in academic history as a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Teacher.