Posted by Jill Telford and Berna Artis
How are you raising your child? What is important to you? If you don’t have any yet what first materializes in your mind when you think of how to raise a child? We almost always think about safety, health, well-being, education, success, opportunities children will have to be well-rounded. We want them to ultimately be a good person.
What about independence?
One of the most important things in life is to be self-reliant. Children who are independent and rely on themselves grow to be more successful and happier. Of course, during the early years they are highly dependent on parents and other adults in their life including teachers. From feeding, diaper changing, dressing to reading, doing homework and taking them to basketball games or ballet lessons.
Then something happens when you least expect it. Like, clockwork. They reach a magical age when they are a bit more independent. This is the warm up time for adulthood. They make choices, they don’t cuddle with you that much, they ask you to drop them off a little further away from the school gate. They are capable of doing some chores, being in before the streetlights come on and you feel that they need you less.
Different types of parents raise different types of children. Seems like a no brainer right?
If you are a controlling parent and you do not give your child the opportunity to take responsibility, to do chores, to share his or her thoughts, to make choices and decisions, chances are you are disabling your child. In fact, these types of children grow to be adults with the potential at making poor decisions, blaming everyone else for their mistakes and in need of reassurance in order to feel happy and gratified.
On the other hand, parents who respect children’s wishes, seek their feedback, ask what their thoughts are helping children grow to be happy, responsible, self starters, capable and competent in taking care of their needs. This is a collaborative and positive relationship rather than controlling. As always, it is paramount to have a well-balanced style.
Here are some ways to raise independent children:
- Provide guidance instead of telling them what to do
- Give options instead of making the choice for them
- Listen more
- Show affection and love
- Show empathy
- Catch them doing good and reward for big accomplishments, not for every little thing.
- Provide encouragement
- Give them responsibilities and hold them accountable
- Appreciate and acknowledge their efforts and verbalize it
- Never make fun of their shortcomings and or mistakes
- Set limits and clear expectations
- Understand that they will make mistakes
- Help them enjoy their success and admit their mistakes
- Let them know that you are there to provide safety but eventually they need to fly away from the nest to explore the bigger world and test limits